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January 23, 2008

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The "Big Mistake" That Makes Him Withdraw

January 12, 2008

The “Big Mistake” Women Make That Can Push A Man Away And Make Him Withdraw…

Tons of women do this one thing. And it must leave them feeling awful… I wonder if you do it too? I’m talking about women who hide their truefeelings from a man and fear sharing theirdesire for a closer relationship and for love. Ever felt this way? It’s happens when you won’t communicatedirectly with a man about your feelings because you think you’ll “scare him away”. Unfortunately, you’re right… it could scarehim away. The way you talk to a man about a relationship turns out to be THE BIGGEST MISTAKE ANY WOMANCAN MAKE WITH A MAN. I’ll come back to this giant mistake in justa quick second… First, I’d like to talk about what I’veseen in the dating world as a guy and share a FASCINATING story with you. I’ve had women communicate their feelings with me in all sorts of different ways from joy to anger to frustration, and I know what each one does to a man.(and in a larger context, what communicating this way does to any person in general – man or woman) There’s a pattern to the dating experiences
that I’d like to share.

THE STORY GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS… (let’s pretend I’m the man in this story andyou’re the woman. You and I meet. We both like each other… lucky me!) Feelings develop for us both on several levels.(physically, emotionally, socially) You try to be “patient” and not express too many feelings and what you want to play it cool. We have a great “connection”, but we never talk about what we want in our future around dating, a relationship or marriage. Time goes by and things are great for us. Eventually, you begin to see that you’re not getting what you want from me in the relationship. You want more, but you’re scared of talking to me about it because you don’t know where I’mat. You’re scared because I’ve talked to you about all the bad experiences I’ve had with women in the past. And sometimes I even make negative remarks about women and their emotions. You don’t want to ruin the good things we have going and rock the boat, but in the back of your mind you know that you’ll want to deal with the negative emotions that are slowly but surely building in your mind. Then as I start to see us growing closer, I begin to use my past issues to tell you that I’m not looking for much more than what we have right now. So you don’t say anything to me directly to communicate what’s going on for you and your feelings. And of course, being a normal guy, I don’t say anything either. (Of course, I’m a man!) You become frustrated and confused that I’m not acting how I used to act. Things begin to change with the way I treat you. I don’t pay as much attention to you anymore.
I don’t surprise you or bring you flowersanymore. I’m tired everyday after work and just want to watch tv when I get home. I call you less frequently. I don’t initiate sex as much anymore. You even consider that I could be seeing someone else. And after a few months – I’ve become moreand more distant. And what happens next? You decide you’re not happy with where things are and it’s time to have a talk about where we’re at. But you’re SCARED of expressing your feelings about what you want, so you let things build up inside you until you begin to let your frustrations with me show. And to wrap the story up… You make THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE WITH A MAN… You start a conversation about the relationship and then you “let me have it”!(you get upset and lose your cool with me) All your desires, fears, frustrations and dreams that you’ve been holding inside away from me all pour out in one big emotional explosion… This “Big Mistake” can take the form of arguing and yelling, but not exclusively. Sometimes it’s just extreme intensity, perhaps tears. It might include:-Complaining about the current state of therelationship-Talking about the things he does wrong with you-Showing your frustrations about what you feel is missing-Becoming upset that he doesn’t feel how you’d like him to feel-Bringing up past issues, arguments or disappointments But it always creates a lot of emotional tension and “drama”. Especially in the guys mind. This is THE LAST THING you want to do with a man if you want to get some POSITIVE results
with him.

That tension that’s created stays with him,and he NEVER forgets it. In his mind, he now thinks of you as”hysterical” and full of issues. His mind defines you by what he saw in your behavior, and it scares him. This is how you’re going to act when you don’t like what’s going on or you feel “stressed”. And this is what he’s going to experience more and more of with you if he stays with you and becomes MORE COMMITTED to you. Yep, I know it’s not fair, but it’s the REALITY of how most men feel when they experience these kinds of things with a woman… No matter how much she loves him and wants the relationship to work… And no matter how good her “intentions” are. I’ve heard hundreds, maybe thousands, of men talk about this exact perception of a woman, and how they fear being with a woman who they think will act this way with them on a regular basis. In fact, this fear is so great in most men,and they want to avoid being around this kind of thing with a woman, that when they see it even once… that’s it. Yeah, I know… it’s immature, selfish and not fair on one level, but it’s the reality of the situation that lots of women end up in with men. So how do you avoid this if you still want to express your FEELINGS? I’ll tell you how in THREE EASY STEPS.

Step 1) Just Like A Man Needs To UnderstandYou… You Need To Understand What’s Going On Inside The Mind Of A Man…. Let me tell it to you straight, as a man. Women secretly believe that their connection with a man will “naturally” turn into something deeper without any communication taking place.
Kind of like it’s the unspoken truth about what’s going on. Honestly… this isn’t how it works for us men. If you’re “assuming” you have a relationship,and that he feels like you do, you’re wrong. Men don’t assume that a connection, being together, spending quality time and all the rest means they’re in a committed relationship. Some men do, but not most. For a man to know he’s in a committed relationship, and understand the things YOU want in that relationship, YOU have to communicate with him in CLEAR AND DIRECTterms. Yeah, that’s right… You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. Scary! But I hear lots of women think that other women are just lucky to have found such agreat guy where everything just “falls into place” since it’s meant to be. And while there are some men who are more equipped and ready for a healthy situation with a woman, it’s NOT luck that women in great relationships have found a way to COMMUNICATE with their guy. In other words… they’ve taken time to find the right information, and to learn to integrate a certain way of communicating with a man into their relationship. It’s not easy, but there is a quick way todo it. Keep reading…

Step 2) You Need To Understand What Causes YouTo Make “The Big Mistake” EVERYONE wants to have THEIR needs met first.It’s basic human nature. But being able to delay your gratificationis an AMAZING thing to develop in your life.(in every part of your life!) Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk,talk about what THEY think and what THEY want. The root of this problem basically boils down to needs that are unmet. So making “The Big Mistake” is really all about being driven by your unmet needs and desires and solely focusing on what YOU want the relationship to be… without honestly and critically considering the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his commuication skills (or the lack thereof), and where he’s coming from at the same time. When you do this with a man, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re moreinterested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants. And men can read and pick up on women who do this INSTANTLY. I see a form of this “Big Mistake” communication all the time in business too, by the way. Some business professionals are the worst at this self-absorbed “need” oriented communication. Like when someone calls me who wants to get something from me or sell me something and they’re not very experienced or polished at it. The first thing I pick up on is their selfish agenda… and it instantly puts me on thedefensive. But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and understand at least something about MY NEEDS and what I’m looking for… instead of what THEY WANT from me… then when they talk it changes everything. The second I hear that they’ve thought about what I want and know how to help me get it, they immediately become someone of value. Someone I will listen to. It’s very simple… but extremely powerful. So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with men. It might sound cliche’, but you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where’s he’sat and where’s he’s coming from. This cliche’ is a around for a reason.
It works. Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about. But you’ve got to be careful to not become the woman who gives him EVERYTHING and gets walked on. Use your common sense and intuition tosafeguard yourself – I know that your female perceptive abilities aren’t used nearly enough,so put these strong tools to good use.

Step 3) How To Avoid Making The Big Mistake Let me give you a vital piece of information when dealing with men…. Men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifying the things that are “obvious” to women in dating and relationships. I would know. It’s taken me ten years tobegin to understand these things for myself -and I spend a LOT of time thinking about it. Sorry though, I’m “spoken for”…(Oh Please, get over yourself Christian!!) Ok, enough self-indulgent humor, back to you. So we know men are AWFUL at initiating and participating in conversations about deep emotionsand relationships. Sorry to break the bad news, but it’s almost always up to you to make this communication happen. It’s important to remember to approach the entire conversation from the perspective of talking about what you want AND what he wants. If you can make a guy feel like you put his feelings and needs a priority in thisconversation, and always consider what he wants, I promise he will LOVE YOU for it! There’s no rule that says you can’t consider another persons opinions and feelings first in order to get what you want. In fact, a key goal in negotiating is to let the other person talk first. When you get to listen first, you ALWAYS have
the advantage. You know exactly what the other person wants… and knowledge is influence and power. I’m not saying you need to take on hard-core negotiating here with a man, but some of thesame rules and principles about people and psychology apply. When you talk to a man from a positive placeof listening first, he will be 10,000 timesmore receptive to what you have to say and what you want once you bring it up than if you approach him from a place of feeling hurt,communicate need and projecting fear and anxiety. Try this instead… Ask a positive question or give a positive statement such as, “Honey, I was thinking today that I was happy to be with you.” It might sound submissive, corny or difficult to say to someone you’re having a tough time with, but think about it… If you’re going through all the trouble to worry so much about the future with this person,this is already what you’re thinking. You might want to check out what could be the best collection anywhere of ideas, strategies,insights and research on the subject of how to avoid the Big Mistake, and how to make sure great things happens when the right man comes along. It’s all in my ebook, “Catch Him And Keep Him”. It’s full off specific ways to communicate witha man that will instantly amplify the attraction he feels for you and help move things quickly and smoothly from “casual” to “committed” in no time flat.

Romantics blue 11

January 8, 2008

Great First Dates

You have mustered all your courage and asked out the person of your dreams. You’re walking on sunshine because they said yes, and now you have a great opportunity to make a fantastic impression. Once you begin planning your perfect first date, the obvious questions quickly come to mind: Where do you go? What do you do? How do you act? Everyone wants to make their first date something you can fondly look back on if the relationship becomes long-term. With these tips and ideas you’ll be quickly on your way to date two and more…What To Do
Before you decide on what to do, take some time to consider your date’s personality. Are they more likely to enjoy an intimate romantic evening or an adventurous thrill ride? Another thing to consider is that, while concerts and movies are great entertainment, they are not conducive to great conversation. Therefore, if you want to get to know your date a little better, plan some extra time for a meal or walk in a setting where you can talk. Once you have decided the style of date you want, use some of the tips below to help make it really special.Places to go; things to do:
Theme parks can be great for first dates. A lot of parks have great food and great entertainment. For example, you can ride roller coasters and hold hands while you tour the grounds, sampling the foods from different vendors.
Take your date to a movie or concert in the park. Many cities now show films played after dark in their parks. Another bonus is that they are often free so you can spend your money on a great meal or accents that really make the date special.
For an intimate date in an extremely romantic setting, take your date out for dinner or drinks on a sunset cruise.
Wine tasting is a great date idea because you can get to know each other while enjoying the experience of tasting and learning about wine. Almost all wineries offer guided tasting tours and some even offer dinner packages.
For more adventurous personalities, thrilling outdoor activities such as parasailing or white water rafting are great summertime dates.
If you are looking for intimate conversation, the zoo is a great place to go. There is a great opportunity to talk while exploring the exhibits. Many zoos also have cafes, ice-cream shops, and grassy areas for picnicking.
Another unique cold weather activity ripe with romantic possibilities is ice skating. Skip the crowds — play hooky and join each other for a weekday afternoon matinee. You should each enjoy the added physical proximity you’ll get with helping each other up or keeping each other warm.
For an interesting insight into your date’s personality, take them to a comedy club. Not only will you have fun, you can also learn a lot about your date by observing what type of jokes they find funny.
If your date is a sports fan, taking them to a sporting event is one of the best ways to make a good impression. They also happen to be great fun!
Going to the beach is also a great way to spend the day with your date. There are a number of great activities available depending on the time of year, such as flying a kite, swimming, or just going for a romantic stroll. And what better way to end the date than cuddling next to a campfire, roasting marshmallows as you watch the sun set?
If you are looking for something a little outside the box, consider visiting an art gallery or museum. Make it a game to see who can come up with the most interesting story about a piece of art, the artist or an exhibit. This can be great fun, especially if you each have no idea what you are talking about! This can also give you some great insights into each other that you might not get on a “normal” date.
Probably one of the most overlooked great first dates is the home-cooked meal. Everyone loves good food and this is definitely a chance to showcase your talents in the kitchen. For a man or a woman, cooking for your date is a sure way to win bonus points!First Date Tips for Him
The chances are extremely high that you are not going to be making love after your first date, so do not push for it.
At the end of the date, try kissing her cheek and see what her response is before moving to the lips.
Make sure you have enough money to pay for everything on the first date, even her cab ride home if neither of you drove!
Smell good, but don’t overdo the cologne.
Dress to impress. If you are fashion challenged, have a lady friend or a department store representative assist you in choosing your outfit.First Date Tips for Her
Wear something comfortable. Dealing with constricting clothing and uncomfortable shoes can turn a great date painful.
Don’t under or overeat. Men don’t like women to order only dinner salads, but they don’t want to watch you gorge yourself either.
Send the right message with what you wear. If you are just looking for a one night stand, then dress like it. If you aren’t, then dress accordingly.
Don’t drill him. Let conversation happen naturally. You want to get to know him, at his own pace. Give him the same respect you expect from him.
Don’t be too quick to judge. It’s easy for women to sit back while the man stresses about his performance and compare him to your last 12 dates, but your date is not an interview. Be cautious and smart, but be open-minded and kind as well.First Date Tips for Both
If you can, try and surprise your partner with something that shows you did your homework. For example, instead of showing up at her doorstep with the traditional red roses, surprise her with a bouquet of daisies because you found out that it’s her favorite flower. For her, offer to get the drinks and bring back his favorite cocktail to let him know you checked him out!
Be assertive, but easy going. Follow the other person’s signs, but don’t go along with something you are uncomfortable with.
Dating is about getting to know each other, so be yourself. Months or years later, couples often find themselves disappointed that the person they are involved with isn’t the same person they started dating. Avoid this by being yourself in the first place.
In almost any situation, talking about your ex on your first date is a really bad idea. If you date asks about your ex, don’t fall into the trap of detailing every character flaw they had.
Be aware of the proper etiquette for where you are and be polite, using good manners.
Take a spontaneous walk after the date, especially if you went to dinner or a show. Stop for ice-cream, pie, coffee, or some other treat while you walk and talk. You may want to hold hands, but follow the other’s lead.
If you are not paying, be considerate of your dinner bill. Stay in the middle range of the menu.
Pack along travel size mouthwash, mints, or gum to make sure you are fresh even if you don’t plan on kissing.Take a hint from these great romantic movies:
The Notebook – He dances with her in the street, they learn a lot about each other on their first night together. In another scene, he sets up candles and blankets in a beautiful deserted house that he dreams of owning someday. Later in the movie he takes her to another special place on a boat to see an amazing sight. This movie is a fabulous resource for romantic date ideas.
Hitched – They take wave runners out to an island museum where he has prepared something very personal and special for her. It doesn’t work out as planned in the movie, but the date idea was great!
You’ve Got Mail – They dated as friends without admitting they are dating. They eat, have coffee, and shop at the local market together. Everything is casual, yet extremely intimate.
50 First Dates – He gets shot down many times, but manages to spend some great days with her where they go to the aquarium, hang at the beach, eat breakfast together, walk and talk, and more.
Before Sunrise – With practically no funds, they spend a whole afternoon, evening, night, and morning together.