Archive for January, 2008

Dating after a Break Or Divorce

January 23, 2008

Have you recently had a relationship end and
felt like you couldn’t completely “move on”…
even though you want to and you know it’s over?

  And, is there something you STILL don’t
understand about what happened, why it ended, or
what his “deal” was… and even though you want to
get past it, it keeps coming up in your mind?

  Do you still think about what you could have
done differently?

  Not just so that the next time around your new
relationship will work much, much better…

  But maybe, deep down, you secretly wish that
things had worked out differently and you could
get back to that loving, connected place with the
man you were with before things went “wrong” and
he started acting different around you.

  If you’ve ever felt this way, then keep
reading.

  There are a few different break-up “scenarios”.

  Here are the 3 general ones:

1. You initiate the break up

2. He initiates the break up

3. Mutual break up: you both talk, open up and
share what hasn’t been working and recognize that
it’s time to move on from the relationship for
reasons on both sides

  Now, rarely are things this cut and dry, but
this covers the general and most common
situations.

  By the way, if you really want to expand your
perspective on men, dating and relationships, it’s
important to look at each of these 3 situations…
as each one creates a very different emotional
experience during and after.

  But, we’re not going to talk about all 3 of
these situations right now.

  Right now we’re going to look at just one…
the situation that’s often the most difficult, and
for lots of women, seems the most frequent- when
the man initiates the break up.

DEALING WITH THE FEELINGS THAT COME FROM A BREAK-UP

  Let’s take a look at the FEELINGS that come
from break-ups… and take away some new ideas and
lessons for GROWTH so that even if a relationship
doesn’t fulfill your desires, it brings you closer
to finding the fulfillment and experiences you
want in the near future.

  Here we go…

  When a relationship ends, it’s confusing and it
hurts.

  But, when a relationship ends and you didn’t
want it to, that’s a whole other story.

  You can start thinking and acting all kinds of
crazy when this happens.

  And sure, some of this “processing” and being
with your feelings is GOOD…. it’s a natural part
of experiencing life and your own personal growth.

  But, think about this…

  If you look at it from another perspective,
you’ll find that even though there are important
aspects of working through your feelings about a
break-up… a ton of what follows a break-up takes
lots of women EVEN FURTHER AWAY from what they’re
looking for in a relationship in the first place –
LOVE and CONNECTION.

  I mean isn’t it, at the very least, important
to take away the LESSONS a relationship has to
teach you even if it doesn’t “work out” in the
end?

  You obviously know the answer to this question.

  Of course it’s important to learn… Otherwise,
you’re helping turn a relationship into a genuine
waste of your time, love and energy… which is
what lots of women fear in the first place when
they become close and intimate with a man in a
relationship and share their love.

  But there’s a difference between knowing the
answers of what to do… and LIVING it.

  Over the years I’ve recognized that tons of
women DON’T learn to become more successful at
creating the kind of situations they want in the
future with a man as a result of the “failed”
situations with men.

  In fact, instead of taking away positive
lessons for themselves from their past
relationships, they often use what’s happened “to
them” as PROOF or EVIDENCE to support their own
negative and limiting beliefs about men and
relationships with them.

  And, the more these beliefs about men and
relationships are reinforced, the more their own
thinking and behavior in each new situation with a
man becomes COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.

  In other words, they actually start to push
away men on an automatic and subconscious level,
even though one of their deepest desires is to be
close, comfortable and emotionally connected with
a man.

  You probably know a few women like this…
women who become even more closed off, defensive,
fearful, or even bitter the more they live their
lives and “learn” from their experiences with men
and relationships.

  Think about a woman you know like this right
now and picture her in your mind.

  Now, I want you to think about what her basic
“mindset” is when it comes to men.

  Reflect on how she’s responded to men in the
past… and the meaning she makes of things that
men do around her.

  And now, can you start to see the perspective
she has. The “filter” that everything she sees or
experiences with a man is run through?

  Can you see how quickly she leads herself to
jump to the worst possible scenario each time she
interacts with a man and doesn’t get all the
assurance, affection or CERTAINTY she wants or
thinks she needs?

  What’s going on here?

  And how does her thinking, behavior and
reactions to men affect the way she related to
men, and how men see her?

  I’m walking you through visualizing a woman you
know who’s like this because I want you to step
outside these situations and start to OBSERVE
what’s going on from a new perspective…

  A perspective that will help you more easily
create the kinds of experiences with men that lead
to deeper levels of UNDERSTANDING (for you and the
man you’re with)… and foster a deeper type of
EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.

  So… the first thing I want to do here as
we’re talking about break-ups and our thoughts and
feelings around them is to help you think through
a few of the most common EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES
that come up when a man chooses to break-up with a
woman.

  That way, you can be more CONSCIOUS and AWARE
of what’s going on… avoid the shock, frustration
and surprise of not knowing what to expect… and
take away the lessons that each dating situation
or relationship has to teach you.

  So… let’s start with how break-ups can make
you FEEL.

  Here are a few different feelings a break-up
can bring into your life:

– You might feel ABANDONED, since you felt a bond
and had a commitment with a man, and then he went
against that and went away in a way that left you
feeling like he didn’t care for you at all

– You might experience REJECTION because he chose
not to be with you… or to be with someone else

– You might have a sense of EMPTINESS that comes
from not having the love, affection, connection
and sharing in your life that used to be there

– You might feel the ANXIETY that often comes from
being completely uncertain about your future and
if you’ll ever find someone to love and love you
back

– You might develop a strong FEAR that you’re ALONE
and that you’ll never have a real, loving, and
lasting relationship… EVER

  Any of these sound familiar?

  These are some common things you might go
through as a result of a break-up.

  Now, most people say that you’ve got to give
yourself time to get over a relationship… and to
be with the feelings you have to get over the
relationship… and on one level, I agree.

  But, this is common wisdom. You already know
this.

  Everyone knows you need to give yourself time
and space to get over a past relationship.

  What I want to share with you that’s NOT so
obvious, is something CRITICAL to know when you go
through this kind of break-up.

  It’s a kind of dangerous “side-effect” that
comes from the intense feelings that follow a
break-up. (Remember how you pictured a woman who
took only negative lessons from each situation
with a man?)

  And, I can’t tell you how many women (and men)
fall into this COUNTERPRODUCTIVE trap that pushes
them even further from their strong “emotional
center”… and makes it even harder for them to
find and create a healthy relationship in their
near future.

  Let me explain the story of how this dangerous
break-up “side-effect” comes about…

  It all starts with the emotional experiences
you have when a man breaks up with you.

  These feelings and emotions can be so intense
that your focus can become COMPLETELY FIXATED on
what was WRONG in the relationship.

  You ask yourself the following questions over
and over…

  Why is he acting this way, and what’s wrong
with him?

  What does all this mean about what was wrong
with our relationship from the start?

  What did I do wrong? Did I choose the wrong
kind of guy? And should I never have become
involved with him or trusted him in the first
place?

  Where did it go wrong? Since it used to be so
good… and now I can’t understand how all that
just disappeared.

  You spend hours, maybe even days or weeks,
analyzing these questions… trying to figure out
what happened with the man and why you didn’t see
it coming, and thinking about how this all could
have been avoided… and how to never have it
happen again.

  I’m sure you’ve seen a girlfriend of yours in
this state… or even yourself.

  And, here’s where these difficult questions
start to create this negative “side-effect”…

  With your intense focus on all the things that
were WRONG, you take all the qualities, problems
and shortcomings you come up with about the man
who broke up with you… and you decide that these
are THE things that were missing and were to blame
for the break-up and failure of the relationship.

  And, so what do you do?

  You’re so hurt and intent on not having the
same thing happen to you ever again that you
promise to never be with a guy like this one
again…

  And, you turn your attention and consciousness
in your love life towards finding a guy who is as
far from what your “ex” was like as possible.

  And, that’s when you start making the mistake of
confusing Cause and Effect when it comes to what
was at fault for your past relationship
“failure”…

  Mistake #1 – You start looking for a man who HAS
ALL the qualities you found from your break-up
that your “ex” was missing.

  For example, if your “ex” wasn’t a very
“feminine” man, in that he didn’t like to explore
his FEELINGS on a deep level in conversation with
you… you look for a man who is VERY much this
way.

  Mistake #2 – Looking for a man who HAS NONE of the
qualities your ex had. (This is the flip-side of
the coin from Mistake #1)

  For example, if you’re “ex” was independent and
very confident, you might look for a man who isn’t
this way… thinking this will make your
relationship work next time around, and help you
avoid the same painful experience.

  After all, things went so wrong with this last
guy that it must be the way he was… and if you
find a guy who’s the opposite of all the “ex” was,
then things are bound to work better.

  Of course, when we take on thinking and
behavior that these mistakes involve, it really
seems like a logical plan…

  If a relationship doesn’t work with one guy and
there were problems with him, then it makes sense
to look for a guy who’s VERY different from your
“ex”… maybe even the opposite.

  But, here’s where this only hurts you…

  If you begin to consciously look for a guy
who’s the opposite of your ex, or who doesn’t have
a certain quality you want to avoid, then you’re
bound to make a big mistake.

  And the mistake will most often look like
ending up dating a new guy with very few of the
numerous GOOD QUALITIES that your ex had that you
liked or loved and worked for you both…

  But, you probably WILL find a guy who has a few
very specific behaviors and personality traits
that you think you need this time around to make
it finally work.

  In other words, you’re bound to find a guy who
doesn’t have much, if any, of the qualities that
made part of your last relationship WORK. (Of
course it’s very hard for you to look back at the
relationship now that it’s ruined and see the GOOD
in the guy you were with.)

  Odds are you’re going to find a guy who really
only has the qualities that you are looking for IN
REACTION or response to your previous situation.

  And, you’re probably wise enough to know by now,
if you’re reading this, that making decisions in
response to FEAR and PAIN is almost GUARANTEED to
make your life more difficult in the long run.

  If you get where I’m going with this, then you
already know a few important lessons in life –

  For starters, you know that looking for the
things you couldn’t get or share with your jerk of
an ex-boyfriend is NOT going to get you what you
want.

  And, now that we’ve covered some of the “inner
stuff” to avoid about break-ups that will help you
stay in a better place and get you back on track
faster with men… let’s talk about taking the
next steps as you start to move on.

THE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE OF A BREAK-UP… AND THE
GIFTS TO TAKE FROM IT FOR YOUR FUTURE LOVE LIFE
AND RELATIONSHIP

  over the years, I’ve seen that lots of women
have come to believe, even if they don’t really
see that they do, that relationships end because
of the man.

  Or that relationships would work well if men
would just learn what women knew about them.

  And yeah, I get that for lots of women, the
majority of the relationships they’ve seen end
around them have all the tell-tale signs of being
the man’s fault… as men can do things that are
destructive.

  And so, in many senses they’re right.

  But, there’s more to it if you’re looking for
more than the knowledge that a break-up is a man’s
“fault”.

  Especially if your goal, or the RESULTS you
want in your life, aren’t about placing BLAME…
but LEARNING and GROWING in a way that will help
you find more emotional fulfillment in your life,
and create a real, lasting relationship.

  In other words, if you can learn to look at
what happens in relationships and break-ups to
learn what actually WORKS… rather than focusing
your attention and energy on identifying what
DOESN’T WORK, and the painful reasons why… then
you’re going to start to transform your mind…
and your love life too.

  But, for some women, trying to shut out what
they don’t want in their relationship becomes
their main “strategy”.

  I can’t tell you how much of a waste of time
this is for a woman looking to find a real,
loving, lasting relationship.

  You know, it’s funny how most of our minds
work…

  I realized 3 or 4 years ago that most of the
people around me, including myself, know a whole
lot about exactly WHAT’S WRONG in the world and in
relationships.. and about what we DON’T WANT
others to think, do and say with us…

  But, most of us have no earthly idea what we DO
WANT… and more importantly, how to go about
getting what we want for ourselves. (Or showing or
teaching someone else how to give us what it is
that we DO WANT.)

  It’s then that I realized that NOT WANTING
something (being unhappy with the way things are)
has NOTHING AT ALL to do with figuring out how to
get the things you DO WANT. (Actually creating
them.)

  Read that again and think about it for a
minute.

  …

  …

  Ok…

  How does this apply to what you spend your time
and energy on, in your love life and with a man?

  Do you think about, worry about and spend your
time and energy “analyzing” how to avoid what it
is that you don’t want?

  Or do you think through exactly what it is that
you want… and consider what that means to the
OTHER PERSON that you want it from… and put
yourself in their shoes to think about how to help
them give it to you in a way that will also make
them happy and fulfilled with you?

  Take a deep breath right now and sit up
straight with your back arched and your shoulders
back.

  Now, take another deep breath in… then out.

  Good.

  To make a long story short… most of us, and
most women in relationships with men, use a few
“weak strategies” involving this idea of not
knowing what we want… and not thinking through
how to help another person who isn’t in our heads
give or share what we want, when even we don’t
know exactly what it is or how to have it.

  This exact problem of not knowing how to share
what it is that we specifically want… and
knowing how to ask another person, given their own
set of perspectives, feelings, and desires makes
it so that tons of women are RARELY able to find or
create the kinds of experiences and relationships
they’re looking for with men.

  Here are a few examples of these “weak
strategies” that I’m referring to when it comes to
trying to create the situations that will give us
what we want emotionally and in our relationships:

– Using “trial and error”. You try to fit in as
many new conversations, interactions and ways of
being as possible, hoping that something will
eventually just work – but you have no idea what
that thing will be since you’ve never found it
before.

– “Selfish Love”. Trying to convince a man that the
answer to what will make him feel happy and
fulfilled in his relationship with you, is to
simply do more of the things that you know make
you happy and feel love and connection.

– After feeling unappreciated, or that a man isn’t
really paying attention to or understanding you,
you get frustrated and tired and stop giving much
of yourself… and you don’t want to put yourself
out there for him anymore just to help him to see
what he should already see… effectively making
it so that you’re depending on him to guess what
you want and give it to you in the way you want
it.

  Now… what do all these “weak strategies”
have in common? And why am I having you spend time
reflecting on them and how they relate to you and
your love life?

  Because they all show how BAD most of us are at
creating the experiences, connections and
“exchanges” we want with other people.

  Especially with those of the OPPOSITE SEX.

  So, what’s one of the greatest gifts you can
take away from your break-up or “failed”
relationship?

  More CONSCIOUSNESS, LEARNING and GROWTH.

  And, of course, making things work much, much
better for you the next time around when you’re
ready.

  And, so how do you start to really do this?

  One clear way I’m taking you through is looking
at the strategies that you’ve used in the past
that didn’t work… or that even made things
WORSE.

  The tough reality is that most of us fall back
on the same negative or “weak” strategies in our
relationships again and again… even though we
think we’re in a different relationship and things
aren’t the same.

  That’s why becoming CONSCIOUS of your own love
related strategies is a great first step towards
CHANGE and IMPROVEMENT in your love life after a
break-up.

  And, it’s that kind of “negative” analyzing we
talked about earlier that leaves you without
RESULTS and instead you have more fear, less
confidence and create FALSE conclusions about men
and relationships.

GETTING BACK TO THAT OPTIMISTIC, COMFORTABLE AND
OPEN PLACE WHERE THE RIGHT CONNECTION WILL COME
BACK INTO YOUR LIFE “NATURALLY”

  There’s a reality to dating and getting “back
into the game” after you’ve been in a serious
relationship that ends in a not-so-great way…

  It feels AWKWARD.

  And, there’s a problem that seems to always come
up when you start “dating” again…

  It just doesn’t “feel right” at first.

  (Unless you’re swept away by an amazing guy…
in which case, enjoy, but stay aware of what
you’re really responding to.)

  Dating again can feel contrived, distant, and
just emotionally unfulfilling… as the person
you’re around just doesn’t seem to “get you” or
make you feel the same way you felt when things
were good in your last relationship.

  That’s when your next challenge will come up
for you…

  The challenge that will help decide if you’re
going to take something POSITIVE away from your
experiences… or if you’re going to let the
negative and fearful aspects of them start to
create negative “chatter” and beliefs in your
mind.

  Do you want to remain open to LOVE, and stay
present with the potentially painful emotions
you’ll have if you don’t close off or act out in
anger or spite?

  (Men will instantly sense if you have this
closed off or angry reaction going on inside you.)

  Or do you want to start living in a way that
will “protect you” if you do get close to a man
again?  Which, don’t you think will help you
“safely” find a secure, certain, lasting
relationship with a man?

  That way you don’t have to waste your time, or
risk your heart and be vulnerable again to the
uncertainty and quickly shifting desires of a man.

  It’s your choice…

  If you’re ready to start opening up again,
learning, growing more conscious, and start
getting back to a more LOVING place, then I want
you to check something out I know can start you on
a new path… and tell me what you think.

  I want you to check out my latest CD/DVD
program. It’s called “Natural & Lasting
Attraction”, and I created this program to give
you a top to bottom understanding of how
attraction and a deep, lasting physical AND
emotional connection works between a man and a
woman.

  In this program I, of course, talk about the
things most women do to take themselves “out of
the game” of sharing real connection and love with
a man…

  And, I describe not only the other common “weak
strategies” most women take on with men that keep
them from becoming closer to a man and ATTRACTING
him on a deeper emotional level… and help you
identify your very own so you can get out of your
own patterns that aren’t working with men…

  But, I also discuss exactly what the strategies
are that WORK with men that women, who are
“naturally” able to create and maintain loving,
intimate, passionate and LASTING RELATIONSHIPS
with men, use.

  There’s a way to “invite” a man into a deeper
level of emotional connection and passion with
you… without trying to convince him or argue as
you try and “make him” feel what you’d want him to
feel and share with you.

  And, there’s a way to make sure a man will never
want to truly open up, share, or even COMMIT with
you.

  It all has to do with the EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE
you create with him at several critical moments.

 

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January 23, 2008

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The "Big Mistake" That Makes Him Withdraw

January 12, 2008

The “Big Mistake” Women Make That Can Push A Man Away And Make Him Withdraw…

Tons of women do this one thing. And it must leave them feeling awful… I wonder if you do it too? I’m talking about women who hide their truefeelings from a man and fear sharing theirdesire for a closer relationship and for love. Ever felt this way? It’s happens when you won’t communicatedirectly with a man about your feelings because you think you’ll “scare him away”. Unfortunately, you’re right… it could scarehim away. The way you talk to a man about a relationship turns out to be THE BIGGEST MISTAKE ANY WOMANCAN MAKE WITH A MAN. I’ll come back to this giant mistake in justa quick second… First, I’d like to talk about what I’veseen in the dating world as a guy and share a FASCINATING story with you. I’ve had women communicate their feelings with me in all sorts of different ways from joy to anger to frustration, and I know what each one does to a man.(and in a larger context, what communicating this way does to any person in general – man or woman) There’s a pattern to the dating experiences
that I’d like to share.

THE STORY GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS… (let’s pretend I’m the man in this story andyou’re the woman. You and I meet. We both like each other… lucky me!) Feelings develop for us both on several levels.(physically, emotionally, socially) You try to be “patient” and not express too many feelings and what you want to play it cool. We have a great “connection”, but we never talk about what we want in our future around dating, a relationship or marriage. Time goes by and things are great for us. Eventually, you begin to see that you’re not getting what you want from me in the relationship. You want more, but you’re scared of talking to me about it because you don’t know where I’mat. You’re scared because I’ve talked to you about all the bad experiences I’ve had with women in the past. And sometimes I even make negative remarks about women and their emotions. You don’t want to ruin the good things we have going and rock the boat, but in the back of your mind you know that you’ll want to deal with the negative emotions that are slowly but surely building in your mind. Then as I start to see us growing closer, I begin to use my past issues to tell you that I’m not looking for much more than what we have right now. So you don’t say anything to me directly to communicate what’s going on for you and your feelings. And of course, being a normal guy, I don’t say anything either. (Of course, I’m a man!) You become frustrated and confused that I’m not acting how I used to act. Things begin to change with the way I treat you. I don’t pay as much attention to you anymore.
I don’t surprise you or bring you flowersanymore. I’m tired everyday after work and just want to watch tv when I get home. I call you less frequently. I don’t initiate sex as much anymore. You even consider that I could be seeing someone else. And after a few months – I’ve become moreand more distant. And what happens next? You decide you’re not happy with where things are and it’s time to have a talk about where we’re at. But you’re SCARED of expressing your feelings about what you want, so you let things build up inside you until you begin to let your frustrations with me show. And to wrap the story up… You make THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE WITH A MAN… You start a conversation about the relationship and then you “let me have it”!(you get upset and lose your cool with me) All your desires, fears, frustrations and dreams that you’ve been holding inside away from me all pour out in one big emotional explosion… This “Big Mistake” can take the form of arguing and yelling, but not exclusively. Sometimes it’s just extreme intensity, perhaps tears. It might include:-Complaining about the current state of therelationship-Talking about the things he does wrong with you-Showing your frustrations about what you feel is missing-Becoming upset that he doesn’t feel how you’d like him to feel-Bringing up past issues, arguments or disappointments But it always creates a lot of emotional tension and “drama”. Especially in the guys mind. This is THE LAST THING you want to do with a man if you want to get some POSITIVE results
with him.

That tension that’s created stays with him,and he NEVER forgets it. In his mind, he now thinks of you as”hysterical” and full of issues. His mind defines you by what he saw in your behavior, and it scares him. This is how you’re going to act when you don’t like what’s going on or you feel “stressed”. And this is what he’s going to experience more and more of with you if he stays with you and becomes MORE COMMITTED to you. Yep, I know it’s not fair, but it’s the REALITY of how most men feel when they experience these kinds of things with a woman… No matter how much she loves him and wants the relationship to work… And no matter how good her “intentions” are. I’ve heard hundreds, maybe thousands, of men talk about this exact perception of a woman, and how they fear being with a woman who they think will act this way with them on a regular basis. In fact, this fear is so great in most men,and they want to avoid being around this kind of thing with a woman, that when they see it even once… that’s it. Yeah, I know… it’s immature, selfish and not fair on one level, but it’s the reality of the situation that lots of women end up in with men. So how do you avoid this if you still want to express your FEELINGS? I’ll tell you how in THREE EASY STEPS.

Step 1) Just Like A Man Needs To UnderstandYou… You Need To Understand What’s Going On Inside The Mind Of A Man…. Let me tell it to you straight, as a man. Women secretly believe that their connection with a man will “naturally” turn into something deeper without any communication taking place.
Kind of like it’s the unspoken truth about what’s going on. Honestly… this isn’t how it works for us men. If you’re “assuming” you have a relationship,and that he feels like you do, you’re wrong. Men don’t assume that a connection, being together, spending quality time and all the rest means they’re in a committed relationship. Some men do, but not most. For a man to know he’s in a committed relationship, and understand the things YOU want in that relationship, YOU have to communicate with him in CLEAR AND DIRECTterms. Yeah, that’s right… You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. Scary! But I hear lots of women think that other women are just lucky to have found such agreat guy where everything just “falls into place” since it’s meant to be. And while there are some men who are more equipped and ready for a healthy situation with a woman, it’s NOT luck that women in great relationships have found a way to COMMUNICATE with their guy. In other words… they’ve taken time to find the right information, and to learn to integrate a certain way of communicating with a man into their relationship. It’s not easy, but there is a quick way todo it. Keep reading…

Step 2) You Need To Understand What Causes YouTo Make “The Big Mistake” EVERYONE wants to have THEIR needs met first.It’s basic human nature. But being able to delay your gratificationis an AMAZING thing to develop in your life.(in every part of your life!) Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk,talk about what THEY think and what THEY want. The root of this problem basically boils down to needs that are unmet. So making “The Big Mistake” is really all about being driven by your unmet needs and desires and solely focusing on what YOU want the relationship to be… without honestly and critically considering the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his commuication skills (or the lack thereof), and where he’s coming from at the same time. When you do this with a man, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re moreinterested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants. And men can read and pick up on women who do this INSTANTLY. I see a form of this “Big Mistake” communication all the time in business too, by the way. Some business professionals are the worst at this self-absorbed “need” oriented communication. Like when someone calls me who wants to get something from me or sell me something and they’re not very experienced or polished at it. The first thing I pick up on is their selfish agenda… and it instantly puts me on thedefensive. But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and understand at least something about MY NEEDS and what I’m looking for… instead of what THEY WANT from me… then when they talk it changes everything. The second I hear that they’ve thought about what I want and know how to help me get it, they immediately become someone of value. Someone I will listen to. It’s very simple… but extremely powerful. So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with men. It might sound cliche’, but you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where’s he’sat and where’s he’s coming from. This cliche’ is a around for a reason.
It works. Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about. But you’ve got to be careful to not become the woman who gives him EVERYTHING and gets walked on. Use your common sense and intuition tosafeguard yourself – I know that your female perceptive abilities aren’t used nearly enough,so put these strong tools to good use.

Step 3) How To Avoid Making The Big Mistake Let me give you a vital piece of information when dealing with men…. Men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifying the things that are “obvious” to women in dating and relationships. I would know. It’s taken me ten years tobegin to understand these things for myself -and I spend a LOT of time thinking about it. Sorry though, I’m “spoken for”…(Oh Please, get over yourself Christian!!) Ok, enough self-indulgent humor, back to you. So we know men are AWFUL at initiating and participating in conversations about deep emotionsand relationships. Sorry to break the bad news, but it’s almost always up to you to make this communication happen. It’s important to remember to approach the entire conversation from the perspective of talking about what you want AND what he wants. If you can make a guy feel like you put his feelings and needs a priority in thisconversation, and always consider what he wants, I promise he will LOVE YOU for it! There’s no rule that says you can’t consider another persons opinions and feelings first in order to get what you want. In fact, a key goal in negotiating is to let the other person talk first. When you get to listen first, you ALWAYS have
the advantage. You know exactly what the other person wants… and knowledge is influence and power. I’m not saying you need to take on hard-core negotiating here with a man, but some of thesame rules and principles about people and psychology apply. When you talk to a man from a positive placeof listening first, he will be 10,000 timesmore receptive to what you have to say and what you want once you bring it up than if you approach him from a place of feeling hurt,communicate need and projecting fear and anxiety. Try this instead… Ask a positive question or give a positive statement such as, “Honey, I was thinking today that I was happy to be with you.” It might sound submissive, corny or difficult to say to someone you’re having a tough time with, but think about it… If you’re going through all the trouble to worry so much about the future with this person,this is already what you’re thinking. You might want to check out what could be the best collection anywhere of ideas, strategies,insights and research on the subject of how to avoid the Big Mistake, and how to make sure great things happens when the right man comes along. It’s all in my ebook, “Catch Him And Keep Him”. It’s full off specific ways to communicate witha man that will instantly amplify the attraction he feels for you and help move things quickly and smoothly from “casual” to “committed” in no time flat.

Romantics blue 11

January 8, 2008

Great First Dates

You have mustered all your courage and asked out the person of your dreams. You’re walking on sunshine because they said yes, and now you have a great opportunity to make a fantastic impression. Once you begin planning your perfect first date, the obvious questions quickly come to mind: Where do you go? What do you do? How do you act? Everyone wants to make their first date something you can fondly look back on if the relationship becomes long-term. With these tips and ideas you’ll be quickly on your way to date two and more…What To Do
Before you decide on what to do, take some time to consider your date’s personality. Are they more likely to enjoy an intimate romantic evening or an adventurous thrill ride? Another thing to consider is that, while concerts and movies are great entertainment, they are not conducive to great conversation. Therefore, if you want to get to know your date a little better, plan some extra time for a meal or walk in a setting where you can talk. Once you have decided the style of date you want, use some of the tips below to help make it really special.Places to go; things to do:
Theme parks can be great for first dates. A lot of parks have great food and great entertainment. For example, you can ride roller coasters and hold hands while you tour the grounds, sampling the foods from different vendors.
Take your date to a movie or concert in the park. Many cities now show films played after dark in their parks. Another bonus is that they are often free so you can spend your money on a great meal or accents that really make the date special.
For an intimate date in an extremely romantic setting, take your date out for dinner or drinks on a sunset cruise.
Wine tasting is a great date idea because you can get to know each other while enjoying the experience of tasting and learning about wine. Almost all wineries offer guided tasting tours and some even offer dinner packages.
For more adventurous personalities, thrilling outdoor activities such as parasailing or white water rafting are great summertime dates.
If you are looking for intimate conversation, the zoo is a great place to go. There is a great opportunity to talk while exploring the exhibits. Many zoos also have cafes, ice-cream shops, and grassy areas for picnicking.
Another unique cold weather activity ripe with romantic possibilities is ice skating. Skip the crowds — play hooky and join each other for a weekday afternoon matinee. You should each enjoy the added physical proximity you’ll get with helping each other up or keeping each other warm.
For an interesting insight into your date’s personality, take them to a comedy club. Not only will you have fun, you can also learn a lot about your date by observing what type of jokes they find funny.
If your date is a sports fan, taking them to a sporting event is one of the best ways to make a good impression. They also happen to be great fun!
Going to the beach is also a great way to spend the day with your date. There are a number of great activities available depending on the time of year, such as flying a kite, swimming, or just going for a romantic stroll. And what better way to end the date than cuddling next to a campfire, roasting marshmallows as you watch the sun set?
If you are looking for something a little outside the box, consider visiting an art gallery or museum. Make it a game to see who can come up with the most interesting story about a piece of art, the artist or an exhibit. This can be great fun, especially if you each have no idea what you are talking about! This can also give you some great insights into each other that you might not get on a “normal” date.
Probably one of the most overlooked great first dates is the home-cooked meal. Everyone loves good food and this is definitely a chance to showcase your talents in the kitchen. For a man or a woman, cooking for your date is a sure way to win bonus points!First Date Tips for Him
The chances are extremely high that you are not going to be making love after your first date, so do not push for it.
At the end of the date, try kissing her cheek and see what her response is before moving to the lips.
Make sure you have enough money to pay for everything on the first date, even her cab ride home if neither of you drove!
Smell good, but don’t overdo the cologne.
Dress to impress. If you are fashion challenged, have a lady friend or a department store representative assist you in choosing your outfit.First Date Tips for Her
Wear something comfortable. Dealing with constricting clothing and uncomfortable shoes can turn a great date painful.
Don’t under or overeat. Men don’t like women to order only dinner salads, but they don’t want to watch you gorge yourself either.
Send the right message with what you wear. If you are just looking for a one night stand, then dress like it. If you aren’t, then dress accordingly.
Don’t drill him. Let conversation happen naturally. You want to get to know him, at his own pace. Give him the same respect you expect from him.
Don’t be too quick to judge. It’s easy for women to sit back while the man stresses about his performance and compare him to your last 12 dates, but your date is not an interview. Be cautious and smart, but be open-minded and kind as well.First Date Tips for Both
If you can, try and surprise your partner with something that shows you did your homework. For example, instead of showing up at her doorstep with the traditional red roses, surprise her with a bouquet of daisies because you found out that it’s her favorite flower. For her, offer to get the drinks and bring back his favorite cocktail to let him know you checked him out!
Be assertive, but easy going. Follow the other person’s signs, but don’t go along with something you are uncomfortable with.
Dating is about getting to know each other, so be yourself. Months or years later, couples often find themselves disappointed that the person they are involved with isn’t the same person they started dating. Avoid this by being yourself in the first place.
In almost any situation, talking about your ex on your first date is a really bad idea. If you date asks about your ex, don’t fall into the trap of detailing every character flaw they had.
Be aware of the proper etiquette for where you are and be polite, using good manners.
Take a spontaneous walk after the date, especially if you went to dinner or a show. Stop for ice-cream, pie, coffee, or some other treat while you walk and talk. You may want to hold hands, but follow the other’s lead.
If you are not paying, be considerate of your dinner bill. Stay in the middle range of the menu.
Pack along travel size mouthwash, mints, or gum to make sure you are fresh even if you don’t plan on kissing.Take a hint from these great romantic movies:
The Notebook – He dances with her in the street, they learn a lot about each other on their first night together. In another scene, he sets up candles and blankets in a beautiful deserted house that he dreams of owning someday. Later in the movie he takes her to another special place on a boat to see an amazing sight. This movie is a fabulous resource for romantic date ideas.
Hitched – They take wave runners out to an island museum where he has prepared something very personal and special for her. It doesn’t work out as planned in the movie, but the date idea was great!
You’ve Got Mail – They dated as friends without admitting they are dating. They eat, have coffee, and shop at the local market together. Everything is casual, yet extremely intimate.
50 First Dates – He gets shot down many times, but manages to spend some great days with her where they go to the aquarium, hang at the beach, eat breakfast together, walk and talk, and more.
Before Sunrise – With practically no funds, they spend a whole afternoon, evening, night, and morning together.

All Women Are Not The Same

January 5, 2008

Before anything, if you think all women are basically the same, this alone can hurt your chances in trying to meet that right woman for you. I once attended a workshop for men on dating women (Yes, there are workshops like that.), and there was this one man who stood out from all the rest. He was an average-looking, nice, sociable guy, but he was very opinionated with his views on attractive women. He exclaimed that attractive women are basically all the same. He thought, no…he knew that an attractive woman would not date not date a guy who wasn’t as good looking as she, and if he was short. He also thought that the beautiful women only wanted the guy who had a lucrative career. He was dwelling on this so much that it even got to the point where he was beginning to think all women were like this. Little did he realize that his thinking was actually hurting his chances in ever trying to find that right one for him, whether or not he had the money or the looks, because all women would see this negative attitude in him. He wouldn’t be treating women as nice as he should be.The head of the workshop and a few others tried telling him that, but they got nowhere fast. It was pretty obvious that this guy was meeting the wrong type of women, time after time after time. If all you do is keep meeting and dating women who are either bitches and / or materialistic (just because they are so attractive), well then it’s hard not to think they are ALL like that.Look at it like this, if you are of medium height, 5’8″ and you have slightly below-average looks and you wanted to date an attractive woman, you can expect to ask at least 10 women for a date before meeting the one who will go out with you. If she is beautiful, expect that number to be at least 20. If you were in a room full of 100 beautiful women, expect only around 5 to give you a chance. With numbers like that, it is hard to say: Not all women are the same. It just seems that way. You have to realize that the more attractive, or beautiful women you approach, the better your chances in meeting that one who will go out with you. Many men would prefer to be with the cute and pretty ones instead.If you have a negative view on something, it will show on you. She will see it. If all you do is think that all a woman looks for in a man is his wallet, and judges him by his looks and his height, then that attitude will come out once again when you are with yet another woman, trying to find a stable relationship. How can any man get close to a woman and try to develop something with her when he thinks like that? If she starts doing the littlest of things that he doesn’t like, it will irritate him more than the man who doesn’t have a set conception on what all women are like.In his book, SEX-PLOYTATI0N, Matthew Fitzgerald categorizes all women as manipulative, materialistic whores who expect men to pay their way. The thesis of his book is that women are nothing but prostitutes preying on the hard work and sexual vulnerability of men. I hope this guy is writing like this to just sell books, because it doesn’t even come close to the real truth about ALL women. Yes, there are a lot of women who manipulate men, mostly through sex, and yes there are some, okay, a good many who look at a guy by what he drives and his profession, especially the beautiful ones, BUT NOT ALL OF THEM! If you think like this and at the same time you want to get married, you are already in trouble. Yes, it is hard to keep from thinking that all women are nothing but whores looking for a sugar daddy if you keep running into them, time after time after time?. Unfortunately it appears that Mr. Fitzgerald has a lousy track record with women. And that’s another thing. If all you do is choose women because of their looks and not what their personality and character is like, well then you are going to get a bitch. You are the problem, not the women. Now, it’s obvious that if you drive a sports car down the highway, women are going to look your way. But don’t we all? If we see something we like, we are going to look. So what? That doesn’t mean we are a materialistic and shallow society. And that doesn’t mean she is either. We just like looking at nice things. Men who think otherwise have been hanging out with the wrong women. Probably just like Fitzgerald. Then they think all women are like this. California is a perfect example. It’s the capital of materialism. If you grew up there, can you help to not think ALL women, everywhere, are manipulative, shallow and materialistic?In her book, WHAT THE HELL DO WOMEN REALLY WANT? (From first printing), Dr. Jama Clark also states that women judge men by his profession and what he drives. She gives the impression that all women are like this. It’s obvious to me, and should be obvious to you also that she is one of those women you should avoid like the black plague. Her thoughts on this stick out like a sore thumb. It’s books like these that brain washes a good many men. Here are some of her warped advice from her book (from the first printing.):
Women are attracted to his status.
Women are attracted to a man’s height and physical strength.
Women are turned off by men who don’t make as much as them.
If you are more than ten years older than she is, she will not find you attractive if you look older than she does.
You should buy height-enhancing shoes if you are short. THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU SHOULD DO BECAUSE THOSE SHOES HAVE TO COME OFF EVENTUALLY!
If you are short, go to places where Latin and Asian women hang out. Yes, she actually stated that! I guess Clark thinks there aren’t that many short American women out there, or that ALL women don’t like short men. It’s obvious she doesn’t, so she naturally assumes ALL women are like this also. This is Clark’s typical thinking throughout her book. She states things like these because her thinking is probably materialistic, shallow?AND WARPED! Have you ever noticed an attitude like that on a beautiful woman? Clark isn’t beautiful, but she has the same mentality, so men shouldn’t listen to her ridiculous advice and viewpoints. It shows through her thinking and her attitude.If you read her book and you think I’m wrong, just go to the mall and sit and watch all the couples walking by. You will see all sorts of couples who you would think wouldn’t be together if you had seen them apart.THAT RIGHT THERE IS ALL THE PROOF YOU NEED.Now, even though not all women are the same, there are still plenty of liars and cheaters out there. You know how some men will cheat on women, and jerk them around, emotionally, and lie to them. ? Well women can be just as bad. They too can lie, manipulate and not call you back. We don’t think that a woman would do such a thing, because?she is a woman. And if she acts sweet and thoughtful around you, like a lady does, well you can be easily fooled. Then your emotional innards will be crushed after she shows her true self. You will then have that empty feeling inside of you. I know this feeling all too well, because I once went out with a very attractive woman, who I thought I was definitely out of her league. She seemed to enjoy my company though, and she even wanted to go out with me again. She was also a very sexual woman who loved sex. Well, from what she told me, anyway. I thought I was lucky to be with such a creature. I called her the next day to set up another date but got her answering machine instead. I left her a message, but she didn’t return it. I left her a second message, and again, she didn’t return it. It was obvious by then that I was being teased during that date. In addition to that, I highly suspected that the only reason she went out with me to begin with is because she had nothing else to do. This left me empty inside, because I had high hopes, and the fact that she seemed to like being with me and wanted to go out again. But, that empty feeling didn’t last long, because I realized that there are other women who are just as good looking and enjoys sex just as much as her.Another woman, who I also presumed to be very nice, also lied to me. We met through love@aol, and we corresponded via E-mail for about a week. One time she stated that she prayed for me while at church. Yes, she was a churchgoer, but not a religious fanatic. Well, with that, you would think she would be truthful. Throughout our corresponding she told me how she kept meeting men who lied to her and / or would just up and stop calling her. She stated that she really liked me and that I made her laugh, but she couldn’t completely fall for me because she thought that I may stop corresponding to her. Well, in the end, it was her who stopped communicating with me. I called her on her cell phone, left her a message, asking her to at least E-mail me, letting me know what was going on. She never did. The whole thing was very ironic, because she told me that she would never do such a thing, yet a couple of days later she did it. I never found out why she did this to me. So much for this nice, churchgoing woman who thought that I would maybe do a 360 degree on her, and, who would “never do such a thing.” So, yes, many women can come off as this very nice lady, the kind you would want to take home to your mom, but in reality she isn’t. She can be just like the man who lies to women all the time, she just up and leaves without saying why, and, will cheat on you. Even that presumably sweet woman may be seeing another guy. In the first few months or so of dating her, take what she tells you with a grain of salt. Now I’m not saying all women are like this. Just keep in mind that many of them are just as bad as men.And how can you protect yourself emotionally from these kinds of women? ? By telling yourself over and over again that not all women are like this, and that there will be a better woman just down the street from this lying bitch. There are women all over the place. You can easily find that very cute woman, with a great body and who loves sex, because they are all around you. Forget the ones who lied to you and / or treated you like shit. Keep telling yourself this over and over again, while at the same time asking other women out. Replace that empty feeling she gave you by going out with another woman. Don’t let her get you thinking with your dick. Bitches like that love doing that to men. Don’t ever call a woman more than twice. If she doesn’t return your second call, find another woman. Act like a man, not a whipped schoolboy.

Perry Rose, AuthorPerry Rose is the author of Women, Sex and Dating, for the Single Man and I Love You…Will You Marry Me?!. In 1998 he interviewed smart, quality singles and long-married couples who shared what has worked for them. The results became his two books, one of which is in it’s 3rd printing and the 2nd in it’s 2nd printing.